Craft Mission

The Hubby's Birthday Party Invitations

2012-01-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

Original Picture: http://palomarskies.blogspot.com/2008/10/sci-fi-science-on-tv.html

We decided to kick it old school this year and send out official invitations to the hubby's birthday party. Who doesn't love real mail? He's pretty excited for gluten free pizza. There are now two places in our small town that offer gluten free crusts. One is Happy Joe's, home of his very first job, and the other, we just found out, doesn't even charge extra! It almost costs me more to make it at home. He adorably insisted that I don't do anything for his birthday but relax since my belly is growing ever, ever larger. Ahhhhh. (Who can argue with that?) Although, this was a couple hours after asking me if I'd give him a cleaned out garage as his Birthday present. Ahem.

He's also very excited to knock one more sci-fi film off "the" list. A year or two ago a friend of his suggested watching the top 100 sci-fi movies. They haven't made much progress lately so maybe this will help give them a kick start.

The most miraculous part of his birthday wishes was the suggestion to play a board game at the end! Minus family get togethers, he mostly swears off playing any games with me at all (I might be a tad bit competitive, every once in awhile). Not only did he want to play a board game, he suggested playing Puerto Rico: the game he got me for Christmas! So, I'm thinking, is this my birthday or his?! Don't let him know that though.

In honor of my amazing husband this is the card I put together for the invites to his one and only 31st birthday party, the last prime birthday he'll have for 6 years! (And even more noteably, the last birthday he'll have as a man without childrens running amuk (minus womb children of course, most noteably one who seems to be trying to run amuk in my womb as we speak). It's got to be big, right?

Hubby Birthday Party Guidelines

-Keep the guest list short and sweet for max quality time.
-Eat delicious food.
-Reduce wifey stress at all costs.
-Enjoy and celebrate good friends, good food and each moment that we have together.

Isn't he a genius? I'm so blessed.

Happy New Year 2012

2012-01-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

1. Anthro Necklace (Lost link) 2. Pierina Bow Pumps $168.

3. Gracey Chiffon Blouse $198 4. Cavaletti Court Velvet Skirt in Mauve $48.99

Happy New Year!

Every year my friend and her husband throw a holiday soiree, where everyone gets dressed up. If I could, this is what I would wear. Unfortunately, I tend to be attracted to items that I can't make myself. The necklace would be easy. The skirt, if I found some amazing velvet at the thrift store would be simple enough but that's just it, who finds velvet at the thrift store? And this is coming from someone who found 2, not 1 but 2, Patagonia jackets this week. I have the feeling that if I knew the full extent of my sewing machine's powers I could pull off a top somewhat similar, but only after a few more hours than I have to invest. And the pumps...well those are purely hypothetical. Not only could I not make them, I also could not wear them. High heels on Minnesota ice (yes we finally have some) are a death threat and high heels with the balance of a pregnant lady only bring further complications. This is all along with the fact that I don't wear heels and they would probably start killing me five minutes after putting them on. BUT aren't they lovely?!

What will I wear to the soiree? A tall (a miraculous find in and of itself!) blue silk, Gap dress I found in a size 10 that somehow miraculously fits over my belly. It has ruffles. I'm not sure what I think about ruffles, especially horizontal ones, but it was $3 on clearance at the local consignment shop. That, my friends, is my kind of soiree dress. Now I just need some tights that don't strangle the poor girl and some handmade jewelry, of course.

Are all of your parties over? The hubby has a January birthday, so there will definitely be a party, especially since it is prime and he won't have another prime birthday for 6 years! We decided to send out paper invitations this year after setting up a Facebook event for our New Year's Party and getting 4 people out of 40 (No I didn't expect 40, yes there was a blizzard, no I'm not disappointed, yes I am a little annoyed by Facebook's maybe option). It is much better for my pregnant brain if I can actually plan for a specific number of people. Speaking of parties though, my friends throwing the soiree are the only other people I know who throw full on parties. Am I getting old or are parties dying out? Isn't this partially why people have houses?

Upcoming:

Lots of crafting for Unglued Craft Fest in Fargo, ND at the Plains Art Museum in February! (Pray she doesn't come early, specifically on February 28th.)

A CLEAN craft room. I worked for 5 hours yesterday. Days off are the best!

A few late Christmas gifts. Better late than never right?

Maybe, just maybe an etsy shop that isn't 100% vacant.

2011-11-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hello in there?

My bump is getting quite... erm... bumpy? No. Not the right word. It is, however, delightful. All the time.

In other news, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, but I have never gone through each day with nearly has much overwhelming joy. I don't really spread this. I just keep it between myself and the belly and the hubby. Totally. Selfish. I just want to be a Mother. Now, I'm an experienced wanter. I want this. I want that. I used to want that. I still want that. I probably always am going to want that even though I'm never going to get it. This is different. This want affects all other wants. I feel like I have direction but I'm just not sure what that means. Every thought is balanced by the hope I have in this strange thing growing inside of me.

I like my job. I like the place I live. I like life right now. Would I mind changing all that? Nope. All of it is stressful and another thing that requires my attention. Maybe life is just stressful? My ideal place on the planet right now is one where I just sit and stare at this new little life and provide love along with my best with the man I love. I don't even care what happens. I just want that moment. Even if that moment is in a dirty house, with papers that need graded, dishes that need unloaded, clothes that need folded, a craft business that needs to be run, I want that. I want to know what kind of woman I really am.

Somedays, life is so weird. Praise GOD.

Goals

2011-09-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers, (Reader?)

I, Linnea, have some goals to announce. The upcoming months are promising business and I don't want to get lost in the mayhem, so I'm declaring some ambitions in hopes you'll give me a kick in the pants if I need it. They are monthly, because I want to have a little hope of actually accomplishing them.

September: Clean, organize and purge unnecessaries from my craft room.
CHECK! ~~Finish a bracelet and veil for a friend's October wedding.~~

October: Finish reading my business starting book and get 20 items on etsy/my website. (This will have to involve finishing my light box.)

November: Finish my winter line in time for a wicked awesome showing at my friend's pop-up shop in Fargo.

December: Make some sweet smile inducing gifts for the ones I love and stay focused on celebrating the reason for doing it. (I'm hoping this gift giving involves music making.)

As you can see I'm trying to keep it simple. This is because I'm also trying to finish my thesis.

What are your goals of late? Don't forget to throw in some life changing, seize the day fun into the mix.

Always,

Linnea

Saturday afternoons with Anthropologie Inspiration

2011-09-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

I saw this Anthropologie Necklace:

And I liked it. So I made one of my own.

It's not nearly as long because I don't like my necklaces to go down to my belly button. The gem is amethyst and the cord is from some leather rawhide scraps stitched together. I love the idea of reusing leather because it is so soft and people with metal allergies can still wear it. In addition to that it doesn't end up in the dump just because it's not in fashion any more. I didn't realize at first that I inadvertently switched the colors around! Sorry for the sad photo. My light box isn't finished yet!

Materials:

Leather scraps
Leftover medium sized chain
Medium gauge wire
A bangle that will never get worn again

Instructions:

Start by cutting a 5 inch strip of wire. Find the center and place the gemstone there. I wrapped the wire around the gemstone three times and then brought the wire up to wrap around the bangle. I tried to position the stone in the center of the bangle. I wrapped the rest of the wire around the bangle saving about 1/2'' to attach it to the chain. Measure the chain to the length desired and remove extra. Make sure to have an odd number of links and attach the pendant to the center link. Cut the leather in strips as long as you like. I had short strips so I sewed them together in the center. I then sewed the ends to the chain making sure that the chain was lying flat so it didn't twist. I sewed the leather with a thick needle and button thread because it is much stronger that normal thread. This would be a place you could do fancy embroidery if you wanted but I chose to keep it simple by using three lines. Make sure to double knot it and hide the end by pulling the needle through after you have knotted it and cutting the end flush.

Someday I'd love to have some metal working equipment so I could make bangles of my own but until then I think it turned out pretty well. What do you think?

Linnea

P.S. My good friend over at Sunsets & City Lights is currently on hiatus and I'm missing her posts terribly! I've been praying for her Dad because he's in the hospital. You can blame her for the inspiration to finally get blogging again. Meanwhile head over and give her some love. Please? People like her are why I wake up in the morning on those days when the world screams, "Don't go out there! Stay in bed!"

Paris!

2011-06-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Check out Jordan's Oh Happy Day and win a trip to Paris! http://ohhappyday.com/2011/06/goes-to-paris.

I'm back.

2011-05-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

After an unannounced retreat from blogging, I am officially back. Summer vacation has been amazing and very distracting from preparations for the Grand Forks Art Fest, but that's ok. I'm consciously deciding not to stress out about it. Plus, one of my dearest honorary sisters will be my Sunday booth babe, so even if the event is a total flop, I'll get to hang out with her a bit that day! Applications are still out for Saturdays booth babe spot, so let me know if you'd like to apply. I'm officially in countdown mode now and once my garden is actually planted, there will be an update or two. I'm almost finished with the double digging and feel like I have passed some hidden test of womanhood I didn't know about before.

Lots of love,

Linnea

Things to Think About On Thursday

2011-04-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

Ever dreamt of becoming a falconer? What would it be like to have such a beautiful creature land on your arm? I'm not quite ready for a two year apprenticeship with an already licensed falconer so I will observe from afar. The thought reminded me of one of my favorite poems that really has nothing to do with falconering but references it.

Meanwhile my thoughts are with the families of the tornado victims and on the lovely little man who recently escaped his mother's tummy over here. The convergence of these two events is an extraordinariy overlap of dichotic elements.

THE SECOND COMING

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;

Surely the Second Coming is at hand.

The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out

When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi

Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;

A shape with lion body and the head of a man,

A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,

Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it

Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.

The darkness drops again but now I know

That twenty centuries of stony sleep

Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

Spring Peek!

2011-04-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hello there! The snow has melted (again) and I'm definitely in the mood to create! (aka not grade papers and edit, boo...)

Salvador-Vintage Lace Grey Linen Bib Necklace

What do you get when you take recycled scraps of linen and antique lace to a party?

Hoops & Chain-Gray Linen and Vintage Lace Necklace

I'm in love with fusible interfacing right now! I promise to post a tutorial soon. All of these necklaces are no sew. The one on the bottom is inspired by a necklace on Anthropologie.com and the one on the left from the depths of this crazy brain of mine:-) Enjoy!

What are you doing to celebrate Spring?

Here Yesterday, Gone Today - Exercise

2011-04-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

China 2003

Today, I realized something. It is remarkable. Only to me, but that's ok. Ten years ago, I moved from Montana to North Dakota to go to school. After my first year of school drew to a close and spring had officially sprung I was walking to my dorm when I realized that my, *gasp* thighs were touching as I walked! Well, it was only downhill after that and slowly but surely I put on 40 lbs since high school. Honestly, while I didn't like my thighs touching, I didn't think much about it. I was a pretty scrawny, spine and ribcage jutting out kind of girl. While I would have preferred the weight to be muscle, it wasn't something I was willing to obsess about. Fast forward ten years.

High School 2001

My hubby and I have decided that eventually, not right now mind you, but, eventually we'd like to try and have children. I occasionally will check out books from the library about the subject in order to be more prepared and informed for when we start trying. One I read said that you should be your ideal weight before you have kids or it will be much more difficult to lose the baby weight and your other extra weight. I'm not sure why this is what motivates me but it could be a super creepy documentary I saw years ago about a mom who had octuplets that looked normal, but half way through the show lifted up her shirt pulled down her "band" and literally folded out multiple layers of stomach skin for all to see. *cringe*

A couple months ago I read The Four Hour Body and decided it was time to start watching my sugar intake. I also decided to give his diet recommendations a try. I made it about a couple weeks before I started tweaking it to be something that I could do the rest of my life. For one thing, I need fruit! I don't need it in massive quantities though. I'll post more about the diet later but the essentials are no dairy, no gluten (along with my husband), no sugar, try to have legumes, protein and vegetables for every meal. As much as I like his recommendations, I don't follow all of them because I try to make small changes at a time so that I'll continue without giving up. I also shoot for meat and fish once a week. I do have a cheat day once a week but I don't necessarily double my calories and I still avoid dairy, gluten and sugar for the most part because if I don't I'll be doubling over with a stomachache. It is crazy to look back now and think about how much sugar I was ingesting each day, when now, if I have only little, I notice a dramatic difference.

So, the bottom line? The amazing news? My thighs no longer touch and I have lost 20lbs. This is without hardly any exercise. Normally I do try to exercise regularly but the long winter, starting a business and intensity of work has drawn my attentions elsewhere. Ideally I wouldn't mind losing another 10lbs, but I also wouldn't mind being this weight if, of course, I had a lot more muscle. The silly weight calculators which I think are usually incorrect suggest my ideal weight is 160 with a range of 143-173. I'm shooting for a muscle 145 which means 5 more lbs to go. And about the muscley part? Well, I started tonight by doing the daily exercises from bodyrock.tv. While her outfits aren't necessarily what I would choose, she is incredibly kind and her workouts are incredibly butt-kicking and most of them can be done without any accessories. Today, she used a sandbag. I substituted with a duffel back filled with workouts partners like an unabridged dictionary, the complete Lord of the Rings serious and a giant NKJV Bible. With as many books as I could fit in it, it was definitely heavy enough for me!

Here are my scores for today's workout. Tomorrow? Free yoga at the Presbyterian church and biking to work! Going to try Body Rock? Let me know!

1. 20 sets in 9:10

2. 3 sets 1 pike, 2 sets 3 pikes, 2 sets 3 pies, 2 sets, 2 sets 3 pikes, 2 sets

3. 50 in 2:26

Preparing for the Show Friday

2011-04-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well, the count down has certainly begun. With t-minus 2 days and counting, I've been crafting up a small storm. This storm may or may not involve feathers, which makes for quite the flurry!

Not quite like this day in Fargo a couple years ago though:

Fargo Pillow Fight 2007

So, the lilies in my yard are officially poking up and to celebrate I started making some flower clips. What do you think? Only for little kids? I don't think so! I normally avoid fake flowers, but these will last forever and who doesn't want their orchids to last forever?

Daffodil Clip

Orchid Clip

Also my friends are all talking about the growing trend of putting feathers in your hair. They even wrote about it in the Fargo Newspaper. Apparently, you can glue them in and they stay for weeks, all the while withstanding washing and styling. I don't want to pay $20 so I made an alternative version that I can take out whenever I want. I'm hoping they'll be a hit in such fun colors!

Feather Pins

And of course, I couldn't help but bring out my stash of gray linen to even out all these hot colors. I'm thinking about also making these in a itsy bitsy teeny weeny version.

Gray Linen Clip

The colorful rewards of my hard work last night:

Which is your favorite? Is it time for a giveaway?

What I Made Last Week

2011-04-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

I made these last week with antique lace. They are the first earrings I ever made! One of them may or may not have ended up at her house after a sweet meet up of other mark. representatives in the area on Friday.

I love the amazing women I am meeting through mark. and am so happy there is no pressure to sell because it isn't a pyramid scheme. I also love this amazing bag I just got! The picture does NOT do it justice. I went for the green and couldn't be happier. It can expand to fit my laptop, my lunch, my makeup bag, with room to spare if need be. If you know me, you know I'm the bag lady, always carrying around 3-4 bags of different things. Well it's time to consolidate folks! Speaking of bags, I picked up some more bags of recycled/vintage lace and an awesome map book while thrifting this weekend as well. I'll post pictures of projects as they materialize. Meanwhile, I hope your weekend was swell and you have a blessed week!

Simplifying Sundays

2011-04-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am meditating on these words of wisdom I heard on a documentary from an Alaskan woman who couldn't recall where she first heard them but had chosen to keep them as her mantra:

Have less. Be more.

If I become a giver, I automatically have less and I be more. Right? What is the relationship between these two ideas? Does one imply the other? Vice Versa? Do these expressions practice equivalency or are they reflexive, symmetric or transitive?

What does it mean to be more, or become more for you?

Thoughts?

The Right Composter

2011-04-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

Indoor or Outdoor, square or round, wood or plastic, big or small, spin or rack. I need a composter! Do you have one? Did you make it?

Photo from Parkside Gardening.

Unfortunately, I am very indecisive. I have checked out piles of books from my library and scoured the internet. I still haven't totally decided, but this weekend is it! I'm going to make my composter, and I'm going to do it myself (well, maybe my hubby will help). The grass is green for heaven's sake! What do you use for compost?

To help me decide I've prioritized some categories:

1. Simple to use. I am lazy and don't want to rake for 2 hours a day.
2. Big enough for our household. 2 People +1 Cat plus guests 2-3x a week.
3. Winter ready. As ready as possible for 6 months of insane cold. The scraps have to go somewhere though!
4. Inexpensive. Dave Ramsey would probably want this first but I want it to last and be sturdy. ($75?)
5. Accessible.
6. Easy-Medium Level Build Difficulty.
7. Speedy Composter. I'm not very patient and I'd love to have compost all summer for my garden!
8. Transportable. I think if we have a tiny house, I'll have to have an indoor composter so I probably won't be moving it. On the other hand, I'm not sure it should be a permanent fixture since it's not our house.
9. Not an eye-sore of a heaving chicken-wire heap if possible since my yard is so small.

To start with I'm loving this video. The fruit(some new to me) at the end is tantalizing.

Observations:

-While tumblers are generally more expensive to make than piles, they are much faster.

-My composter will be in my backyard close to my main garden but away from my house and in a spot that can receive at least some sun.

-Plastic is nice because it retains heat; it would probably be cheaper too, even though I avoid plastic.

-Since I live in a small space, it will be easier to have a contained pile, but remember that bugs are good for compost! (Although some composting folks disagree about this)

This one from Master Gardening is only $405 on sale! (Yikes, not in my budget)

So, maybe a green plastic barrel that is mounted on a stand for easy turning? Put some rods on the inside to help break it up and holes for bugs to get in with a opening cut big enough to let a bit of sun in if needed or get compost in or out. I'm thinking I like the idea of it being rotated this way to take up less space and maximize the spin factor, then I could have the bottom be the open flap. I'm thinking something more like this at Amazon for $179.99.

Online tutorials to build your own tumbling compost bin:

1. eHow
2. Composting Bin Plans (This one looks great!)
3. Instructables (There are always great ideas at instructables and this one is a double decker!)

Thanks for sharing your hard work ipodguy.

What do you think? Any suggestions?

Mindful Monday on Thursday; It's been a busy week!

2011-04-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

This post is in memory of my great uncle Harold Schroeder who passed away yesterday.

Time.

It locks us in.

It reveals life.

We measure it and gauge it and fight it and yet,

Time, do we have it?

Or does it have us?

Before you die, will Christians love you?

Will you teach someone to read?

Will you be published?

Will you be a mother?

Will you hike the Appalachian Trail, hug a sloth or live off the grid?

Will you be an artist that provokes people to change the world?

What will you write?

What will be written?

Slow & Simple Sundays-Family

2011-04-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

Family

In hindsight, I'm not sure slow and simple is the most appropriate title for our Sundays. Sundays are often very busy for us. We drive 40 minutes to church and if my hubby is drumming we need to be there an hour before morning service for music practice. Musicians for the first service also play for the second which means sometimes we don't get out of the church until one o'clock or later. If he is also drumming or running sound for the third evening service it means we don't usually get home until ten or eleven o'clock. I do the majority of our weekly food shopping at Amazing Grains, our lovely local food co-op, and also run any other errands in-between services.

Not really relaxing or simple.

Sundays, despite their busyness though, are one of my favorite days of the week because I get to see my family.

This week our Pastor reminded me of this and highlighted the importance of family in his sermon today (part of a serious called Act Normal based on what was normal for the church in Acts.) Some of you know that my biological family all live in different states. I get to see them about once or twice a year. Not nearly enough! I know, however, that if I have a need, they will be there for me no matter. This was the mark of the church in acts, "...there was not a needy person among them." Generosity eliminated any hunger for food, clothing, housing or love. So, today, even though my Sundays may not be slow or simple I want to mediate on one simple thought.

1. Am I a woman of generosity?

2. Do I know a needy person?

3. Will I love them in deed and truth and not with empty words?

Today we celebrated the church's two year birthday. Our Pastor elegantly pointed out that our church would not exist without generosity. There were incredible gifts (tens of thousands of dollars) given at every stage of church growth from our first Sunday preview in the rented building, to miraculously buying that same building. My prayer for our church is that we would never forget those roots, that the city would continually remark at our generosity whether it be chipping in for pizza for our birthday celebration or sending missionaries off to build water purifiers in Darfur.(This was SO exciting and I promise to write more later.) If you are interested in listening to the sermon my hubby has just started recording them and putting them up on the website!

What do you think? Have you received a gift in a time of need that you didn't expect? Have you given a gift and received an unexpected response?

Proverbs 3:27 reminds us,

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it."

Have a beautiful week!

In peace,

Linnea

The Longest Run Bar Recipe

2011-04-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

I was blessed this afternoon to hear my brother's voice (along with my darling niece and nephews shouts in the background) on the end of the line. We spent some time catching up because he's recently been out of the country. He has a dream job working for Compassion, a non-profit that releases children from poverty through education and partnering them with sponsors around the globe and occasionally travels to places like Kenya, Australia, India, etc for site visits, to train people there. (My life has been changed forever by my growing friendship with Anjali who we started sponsoring not too long ago.) But, more on that later!

You're probably getting the impression that this brother of mine is pretty incredible. You would be right. After chatting, he began to tell a funny story about an ice-bath he took earlier today. I reminded him he needed to post on his amazing blog The Longest Run, and then asked how far he went. His answer? 20 MILES! Despite having run my first marathon with him last year (which I still need to write a race report for) I couldn't believe it! His goal is to rock the socks of the infamous Leadville 100 the end of August and I hope to be by his side for at least part of it as a pacer. Me a pacer? Ridiculous? Yes. But you know how I like to try impossible things.

A race of this length requires serious fuel. I've always found it difficult to find good snack food in general, but this presents an even more intense challenge. While I'm intrigued by some of the treats elite marathon running Scott Jurek eats as well as those mentioned by Born to Run's Christopher McDougall, I'd like to be able to not only make my own, but make them out of common, healthy ingredients I already have at home. Enter Passionate Homemaking's nourishing protein bars.

The original recipe came from Elana's Pantry, an excellent gluten-free blog that I'm loving, now that Phil is gluten-free. It's been updated and tweaked and I decided to join in with some tweaks of my own, but I encourage you to check out the others as well. I would like to dedicate this recipe to my brother and his Longest Run, as well as anyone else pursuing ultramarathoning or just running in general because we all need good natural food to fuel that one more step to the finish, no matter what our goal. Sometimes my goal is just to make it through the afternoon at work without my office chair killing me! In two weeks my goal will be 3.149...miles at UMC's Pi run. It will be the perfect run to get me back into hardcore training for August! (I hope:-)

The Longest Run Bars (Gluten-free, Dairy free)

Ingredients:
2 cups almonds
½ cup flax
½ cup shredded coconut (Unsweetened is best but I have a hard time finding it)
½ cup natural peanut butter (Next time I'll add almond butter to but I recently ran out)
½ teaspoon sea salt
½ cup coconut oil (The taste of this is so amazing!)
1-2 Tbs real maple syrup (I might add a little honey next time as well, or swap)
2-3 teaspoons gluten-free vanilla extract
1 bar dark chocolate 70% or greater (With Lindt, under 70% has dairy, you could easily use only half a bar or Nutella on a cheat day!
Some might say the chocolate is optional... not in this house though!

1. Add the flax first so that you can pulse it into a pulp in your food processor. (Don't have a food processor, check out this giveaway!) This makes the nutrients available.
2. Add the almonds, coconut, nut butter and salt. The longer you pulse the finer the almonds become. If you prefer chunks of almonds then make sure not to pulse too long.
3. Melt coconut oil with syrup/honey and vanilla. Stir.
4. Add to an 8 x 8 glass dish and press down evenly.
5. Chill until hard. About 1 hour at least.
6. Melt chocolate. I used 30 second intervals in the microwave, stirring in between.
7. Spread over bars and refrigerate until hard.
8. Cut.
9. Eat or Freeze!

I'm going to freeze some (if not from this batch then I'll make some more) for my hubby to snack on while he does his mail route. I'll also experiment to see how long I can keep these in the office at work before they are devoured. What do you think? What modifications will you make?

This is my first recipe! Any suggestions?

Changes Coming

2011-04-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

Please excuse the mess. It's spring cleaning time!

Recently, one of my favorite people got back to blogging after a very long hiatus. Her excitement and passion always inspire me. Please check out Sunsets & City Lights! Her enthusiasm and zest for life has caught me in its fire and I too am in the process of making changes and cleaning up this place. I've been devoting most of my time to setting up my craftmission.com website and this has certainly been overlooked in the meantime. As I make changes if you have any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them!

And as always, thanks for following.

Today & Yesterday

2011-03-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

"Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without."

Oswald suggests today that God is calling us continually higher. In much the same way that the Devil also tempts us by offering that which is above us through conniving strategic measures that threaten us with the lure of the easy road, God also "elevates us by grace to heavenly places." Rather than peaks that jut out into the sky, God's higher ground is safe, secure and more open than we could have imagined from below.

For me, it's hard to even remember back to a year ago. I remember death, heartache, a business beginning, a tumultuous tempest that seemed to have me trapped in stress and blockaded by problems that I couldn't solve on my own or even hope to conquer by focusing my attention elsewhere. So, what has happened in a year? More death, a little less heartache, a business that did actually grow or at least suck in some of my money and spit a little bit back out. I am free from the tempest but not free from the scars or myself which is of course fated to find me trouble no matter where my feet tread.

I may be a bad gauge of growth but I don't pretend to imagine that the ground I'm on is tremendously higher than that of a year ago. I think Oswald's advice is the key to see that change though: "Never let God give you one point of truth which you do not instantly live up to."

There is one truth I know. "The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof." While eventually my pursuits will end, right now the starting of pursuits seems infinite. I pray that each thing I decide to engage in will be a response to a point of truth.

Martin Luther said, "God writes the Gospel, not in the Bible alone, but also on trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars." Sometimes I think we look to the Bible without seeing where its at. It exists in a world being carved into by humanity. St. Augustine suggested that the greatest book was the very appearance of created things. "Read it." He says. We spend most of our days in buildings and constructs of man that block out the very world God has painted into being.

Winter has been long. I'm ready to spend some time with God in his creation, reading what has been written long before the word's of the Bible where gathered onto one page.

2010-12-30T04:18:00.001-08:00

Ok.

My sister tells me its been awhile...

2010-10-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

She's right.

So here you are folks:

How do I tell you that I'm leaving

and it's over now?

There isn't really anything you can do.

You've got to see that this has been

coming for awhile,

and I just can't take it any more.

Let's face it,

You're almost worthless,

like a terrible disease,

like a fur coat full of fleas,

like yucky, fuzzy, rotten beans .

I'm sorry to be truthful

but this is so much harder for me

than I imagine that it is for you.

We've been together through oh so much,

but honestly I've been trying to

find the words to say this for awhile.

I've never been so lonely

as when I'm by your side.

I'd say that it's been lovely

but it'd be one, big, fat, old lie.

So, goodbye, mediocrity.

Let's not kid ourselves really,

It hasn't been that good.

Zai Jian, farewell, adios.

No use crying, because you're toast!

No more mediocrity.

No more settling;

You're second best.

Goodbye mediocrity

Hello whatever's next.

Goals before the year is out.

2010-07-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

Design a fabric line.

Be in an art show.

Sell something on etsy.

Paint something fabulous enough that I hang it on my wall.

Write and record 4 songs.

Reconstruct/sew from a pattern 4 garments for work.

Learn a song on the mandolin.

Create/Recycle 90% of my Christmas presents.

Oops... mail Christmas presents from last year that never got finished.

Read a psalm without help in Hebrew and Chinese.

Finish reading the Bible this year.

Solidify my thesis topic.

Maintain a consistent meal plan and exercise schedule (after school and the move).

Be more involved in my local church.

Get one step closer to joining the Peace Corps.

Go on an amazing adventure to somewhere I've never been with my hubby.

Cook something new once a week. (And preferably fabulous.)

Write at least a chapter of my book.

Bike to work. Ok, ok, bike to work 77.7% of the time.

Break an 8 minute mile. Just once.

Overly ambitious? Why not...

At the speed of clouds

2010-07-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Figure:http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1083/1350092549_63872a9d4f.jpg

Hello tomorrow,
Goodbye yesterday.

Our journey has begun;
At the speed of clouds, let's steal the world.
See everyone, smell everything.
Snapping memories like Polaroids ,
to hide inside
the depths of being, pumping,
bleeding hearts of love.

We'll snatch up joy like children,
free in the grandest of candy stores;
spinning, whirling, twirling,
wrappers and judgments unfolding,
sweetness loose upon the land;
sighing from too much love.

Hello tomorrow,
Goodbye yesterday.
Hello forgiveness,
Goodbye hanging on.

Let's fly at the speed of clouds.
We'll watch the earth go by.
We'll dance and laugh and sing;
Lose regrets and bury sins.
And the days will carry us,
You and me atop the grandest plan
From here to there but never back
to where it all began.

Hello tomorrow,
Goodbye yesterday.
Hello Candy man,
Goodbye hungry doubt.

Will I Make It?

2010-07-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know.
Three days to drop a class.
I just want to go to the library and read some books, or go the park and paint. I want to sew something. I want to begin going through everything, packing up some, giving away the rest. I want to cook again and sleep through the night without waking up 500 times. I want to sit down at my piano and just play for a couple hours. Just worship with no one but God listening.

I just can't handle studying all day. Either all the classes suffer or I drop one of them. The problem is that I have an A in all of them and I'm 5 weeks in. 4 weeks to go. Is it worth my sanity? 4 weeks is so short in the long run but you didn't just go through the last 5 weeks.

Sigh.

I need to be smarter somehow.

For My Dad

2010-06-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

He loves to fish, we know it's true!
But does he know my love is blue?
Bluer than the water's depth
Richer than the skies sunswept
It's bigger, bluer, deeper than
All the lakes and streams you've seen
And all the skies above that gleam,
Dad, this is how much I love you.

I need another pair of sunglasses... really

2010-06-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

Look, look, looking
keep on looking
but I can't see
in these broken sunglasses

Blinded in one eye
Confused in the other
My head is aching
It's all not working

I need a new way of looking at the planet
I need a new way of looking at you
I want to see like I did six years ago
See past myself right into you

As hard as I try to fix it
The pieces won't go
Back together again
The pieces lie broken
A testament
Testamenting
To a lifeline ended
and being forgotten

Let's not end it before it's time
Let's hold fast to the cement of the divine
Let's find a new way, a new way of looking
Into hope that matters
That will carry us through
Until the end really comes
To our own lifeline.

Undone

2010-04-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

As the morning sun
Embraces the slowly moving planet
He bring the pieces tenderly
Together again

I am not undone

There's no way to know
Why she never said her goodbye
Only loneliness and wondering why
My love was not enough

I am not undone

Hallelujah my heart starts to sing
Hallelujah for suffering to find
That your love is
Enough

As the warmth of daylight fades away
I lay here silently
Right now I can't feel your presence
But I know your love is enough

To find myself
To lose it all
To see you
And to find the truth

To find myself
To lose it all
To see you
And to find the truth

Hallelujah my heart starts to sing
Hallelujah for suffering to find
That your love is
Enough

Security is only a lie
Because in the end
The story's done

And we're together in love.

Miss Blogger McBloggersen

2010-04-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Photo: Pictopia.com

Today I write in gray because my world is gray. Did you know that the word gray has more definitions than the word grey? Almost all of them are the same.

Today is a listen to anthems on the radio kind of day. If you know me, you know that I don't have these days very often.

Sigh

2010-04-07T07:12:00.001-07:00

I am sad.

I feel like if I could just create something beautiful enough maybe it would distract other people from their sadness and distract me from mine.

Did you know that sad used to also include the meaning, firm or steadfast?

A firm, steadfast plague of sad sorrow. Harumph!

I'm the type that it makes me think of punching something. But I'm not the type to punch.

Such beautiful, amazing life. It's so ugly when its stolen away.

Nothing is certain.

Pain is real.

Soon it will all be over.

Starting a Business

2010-04-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

Credit:www.aha-business-ideas.com

I have been very busy, business starting.

Don't mind me!

Go, go, go!

2010-02-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

This is what my brother tells me. My role model. The man I've always looked up to, quite literally. I love him. I hate him. Only because he's always so right!

So, I will go.

Somehow.

I will run to the finish.

Like a Cake song.

I'm going for distance.

I'm going for speed.

Hallelujah! Race Report

2010-02-16T09:48:00.000-08:00

I love running. How about you?
In fact I love running so much that I braved the Frozen Feat 2 years in a row!

The weather this year was much better than last year. It was about 17 degrees F ABOVE zero. Last year however, it was a mean of 1 degree. It definitely felt worse than that however with the northern wind whipping us around.

So, going into this race I had two goals. I have been training harder so I hoped to beat last years time but the week before the race I was out of commission so my second goal was to have no runner run twice as fast as me.

As it turned out we received quite a bit of snow the days before the race and despite the fact that there were over 200 runners, YAY!, packing down the snow in front of me, I was still sliding around even despite the spikes I was using. Speaking of spikes,

the spikes I were using were not mine. The came with the running shoes I BORROWED because I FORGOT mine at work. Doh. I was planning on running in a pair of merrells I use as work shoes when the night before I happened to run into a friend that happens to have size 11 feet like me. Praise Jesus. That's all I have to say.
Needless to say, in the snow, with new shoes, after not running for a week, I did not beat my time. I did however, win my race: my race against all the people behind me.
And I am delighted to find after crunching the numbers today, that I made my second goal! The fastest male's time was 18:07, and my time? (Although the officialness of this time is questionable since I did start in the back of the pack and at the end of the race they simply wrote down your name and number.) 36:04! Yes!

There is actually a picture of me on facebook if you would like to see me in full look like a ninja but am still slower than mud garb.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5186479&id=198636745922#!/photo.php?pid=5186671&id=198636745922&fbid=337119490922

Overall it was a great race that benefited the Special Olympics and they even had Special Olympians themselves handing out the finisher medals. Very short ones, but cool nonetheless.

For some reason, there is a picture of the guy who finished right before me, but not one of me. So, you'll have to settle for the take off shot.

New Song

2010-01-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

Anonymous posts: what a source of pure joy! Why does it seem more fantastic if someone you don't know leaves you positive encouragement?

I don't know. But, I do know that I like it!

So anonymous, this song is just for you: (It has music AND is almost finished.)

Everyone is going to stand and stare
Watch with sullen eyes as you go
You've just let your lazy flesh
Eat away your filthy soul.

In mere moments you'll be completely
Missing from humanity

An empty shell of Faberge

You plummet, you spin
What good is being seen
When there is nothing to look at
Dear friend, I see myself in you

Let's plant some mustard seeds
For the earth needs a little more heaven
Take the smallest of the small
And when it has grown, stand in awe

With our hands
Over our eyes
Staring into the sun
We'll watch the world grow

The world is our field
The seeds are singing everywhere
Dancing on their toes here and there

Come with me lets find our field
Let's grow, let's plant some future

Angels reap! Angels reap! Angels reap! Angels reap!
Let's build up the furnace, build it up

Come with me lets find our field
Let's grow, let's plant some future

In mere moments I'll be,
Completely missing from humanity
Just ashes in the wind

Though I plummet and I spin
I hang on tight to things unseen
When there's nothing good left
Dear friend I see God in you.

Come On

2009-12-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

When I'm driving down the road
I think of you

Then I smash into the car
In front of me

Why oh Why did you leave me
Just give me a reason
why

Tell me its cause I smell funny
Or just cause you hope I'll die
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter
Why

Come on now, don't hold out on me
Just give me the truth that I've been yearning for
Teach me a lesson
So no one else will get hurt
Oh come on

Come on now, just pick up that telephone
Telegram, Carrier Pigeon whatever you like
Just let it be, a message that you're still alive
And know my name

When I'm sitting on the toilet
I think of you

Then I sit there for another hour
Sobbing through

not knowing,
What could I have done

different?

My freedom

2009-12-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

Walls of pale, pale, palest green
An envelope of serenity
Hand stitches passed over like a sunrise unseen
Cotton as soft as kitten fur and imagination
I come here not to escape, but to remember
The ivory light switch is flipped to on
and I am waiting
Lord, waiting in freedom
please never make me leave
just let me be, let me breathe
waiting in freedom

Psalm Musings

2009-12-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

So, this actual has a melody AND chords. Amazing I know.

If I could make a joyful noise unto the Lord
I would sing
Hallelujah, praises to the King

It is good to give thanks to the Lord
The sea is his and all the depths of the earth

But I'm a fool
I cannot see
Me feet are slipping beneath me

Help me now Lord
I'm falling
Keep my soul
From the land of
Silence

Let me sing with
the voice of mighty waters
Alongside floods
lifting up their roar

Hold me now Lord
For my cares are many
Guide my feet
Into your presence

Let me sing with
the voice of mighty waters
Alongside floods
Lifting up their roar

Help me sing
Hear me sing

So come let us sing a joyful noise to the rock of
our salvation

Let us worship and bow down to kneel

The earth is trembling in His holy splendor
Every tree in the forests sings for joy

Help me sing
Help worship
Bring you glory
Bring you joy
Hear me sing
Hear me worship
Offering
Thanksgiving and love

Change

2009-12-03T08:35:00.001-08:00

Change
http://www.jiscinfonet.ac.uk/infokits/change-management/aspects-of-change

This is the first image you see when you type in "change" for a google image search.

What is change?

There are 38 entries for the word on dictionary.com.

1175–1225; (v.) ME cha(u)ngen < class="ital-inline">changer < class="ital-inline">cambiāre, L cambīre to exchange; (n.) ME cha(u)nge < class="luna-Img" src="http://sp.ask.com/dictstatic/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.png" alt="" border="0">

I've found myself desiring some change lately. This led to thoughts about changes I've made or haven't made in the past. To put it to you straight, I've thought about making a lot of changes. Thought about. Not done, just thought about. The number of changes of thought about compared to the number of changes I've done is a pretty dismal comparison.

Nevertheless, the question remains:

What is in your change history?

If you had to make a list of the ten most important changes you've made in your life, what would they be?

Another song for my song challenge:

Come with me,
Together we'll change our history.
We'll make a list and start
with the most recent first.

It's time to experiment with our change history.

change me
and clarify
every specification
Just realize that while
my love is yours
it can not cover the words
we say or the way we're made.

So let's throw out the prose,
change up the layout
never stay stuck in the same rut

Let's travel the world and set everything straight
mending and healing past damages and failures
going back and loving the times we lost

It's time to experiment with our change history.

And someday when you wake me up
Because we're spooning and your
nose hairs are ticklin' the skin
on the back of my neck

I'll glance up and slowly turn
To watch your wrinkles grow deeper
and your stubbornness get worse
To watch the silver hairs fall from your brow

and I'll whisper
what you mean to me
and reminisce our younger days
and laugh about that term insurance policy
I'll think about the dreams we made
the trips we took and fights we shared.

But I'll never
want to change our

change history.

Splat

2009-12-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

So is this what you want,
Like a watermelon on a railroad track.
Like a fifth grade egg experiment.

Just for fun.
You take me and You break me:
Just for fun.

Where's the love?.
You made me then you hate me:
Where's the love?.

Pink insides splattered across the pavement.
I stain, I drip, I drop.
A thousand cells flying through the atmosphere,
Flippity, flip, flop.

This isn't what I want.
Yet, the human always sins,
And the blender always wins.

Just for fun.
Spinny, Spin, Spun.
Just for fun.

Why am I so dumb?
Where's your love?
Where's your love?

So this is what you want,
Like a watermelon on a railroad track.
Like a fifth grade egg experiment.

Day One

2009-11-27T21:08:00.000-08:00

http://z.about.com/d/running/1/0/q/3/-/-/tinmanrunner.jpg
Welcome to Chillocothe, Missouri.

Some of my husband's family lives in this quaint little town. They also happen to live directly aside a fairly decent track. The Hornet's track to be exact. The weather according to relatives from Texas was freezing cold (she's a triathlete). So, this means the weather was perfect for me. Nice and warm in my running tights. I ran ten minutes because I was feeling like the altitude was bothering me, then I stretched and ran some more. I can't imagine there was an discernible difference in altitude but I was definitely feeling something; it could be that I have only be exercising indoor and it's been mostly elliptical and bike. Anyway. It's a darn good thing I ran today because my dirty brother, Did I mention dirty?, decided to try and sneak out of my challenge by starting up running again (hooray) without me. Then he would always be one day ahead of me for all eternity. Sly. Sly.

No bananas though! Hahaha. Eat that.

Maybe one mile. At least ten minutes. I tried to go fast for a lap. My hips are killing me though. It's like I need some oil or something for my joints. What am I? A tinman?

2009-11-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

For my birthday I want you to write me a song with my name in it.

I love it when you say my name out loud.

It's like it speaks me into this world.

I must exist if you know my name.

The Answer

2009-11-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

(Photo:http://media.sbs.com.au/alchemy/images/6092game_on.jpg)

Well the question has been answered and I officially ended my streak yesterday.

Previous to that I ran:

10/29 13:26
10/30 15:00
10/31 12:41

My brother's awe inspiring, mind numbingly incredible, on its way to an ultramarathon streak has temporarily ended. I feel it is only right to respect this moment by sacrificing my own streak as his was stolen from him unwillingly by a back muscle that attempted to revolt as he tried to step outside for a 14 miler. How many of you stepped outside for a 14 miler this weekend? I stepped outside for a 14 minuter... but that's beside the point.

Fear not faithful followers!

Soon, two streaks will unite together as one in the epic battle of harmony and stride. Which sibling can attain the highest number of miles in one year! Dun, dun, dun.

Also, don't mention this to my brother, because he's still lying in bed and doesn't know about the plan yet. I feel revealing this to him at the right moment is of incredible importance as he is a tad bit disillusioned right now. But no war wounds have stopped him before! So rally the prayer troops so we can get this game on!

To streak or not to streak, that is the question.

2009-10-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

(Photo:http://www.ktb.net/~billmeco/auraD10streakW.jpg)

Hahahha... Just kidding. That is definitely not the question.

There is no question about that. Streaking is crazy. By crazy, I mean insane.

But, I do have a question.

Would it count as a streak if I did two days on and two days off? 2 on 2 off 2 on 2 off? Or is it essential to the nature of streaking that it is continuous and not continual?

I dunno.

Good thing I'm not doing a streak.

10/27 23 minutes

10/28 27 minutes

Out and back after lifting and on 4 hours of sleep

2009-10-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

12 minutes 1.14 Miles

I think, by golly, I'm on a streak. A 2 day streak. Look at that. The impossible happens everyday. You just have to do it.

The funny thing is, all I wanted to do all day, all I could think about doing and kept trying to do but was being thwarted, despite muscle pains, fatigue and caffeine jitters, despite all of that, all I wanted to do was to run.

Three roads diverged in a wood and I took all three that made sense.

2009-10-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

(Photo: http://cache.boston.com)

Like cymbals they sing,
crinkle, crackle, crunch.

My feet tickle the earth
as they glide over its skin.

The rhythm is steady:
the melody builds.

My heart joins in,
a timpani echoing in my ears.

I am a musician.

My run is my song.

43:42 Almost 4.

I was supposed to run a 5k today. I signed up. I got excited. I remember last year seeing tons of little munchkins running around town the day they had the Halloween Howler. And once I saw the family dressed as the Incredibles I knew I had to do it. So I found the old e-mail, sent in my registration and started dreaming of a new PR. I also started worrying about my Halloween costume. But don't worry! I didn't fret too long before I got a call saying the race wasn't even happening this year. I had sent in last year's registration. Bah Humbug. So, I went for a run. I loved every step. I found myself remembering a couple years ago and thought to myself, "Who am I!?" I used to hate even the thought of running.

People change.

Some people change a lot.

Sometimes, that's a really good thing.

Thank you very much 43:42 with two ten minutes miles.

Race Results

2009-10-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

#1
#2
Look here. Before you see the actual stats there is something you should know.

Here are the stats from last half marathon:

				Div	Age	Sex	ChipTime	Overall	SexPl	DivPl	Pace	Gunfinal
				F25-29	26	F	03:03:06	1222	838	209

F25-29

03:03:06

1222

838

209

For some strange reason I got the numbers mixed up. You see my 5k PR is 33:03. But when I tried to remember how fast my time was I was thinking my half time was 3:30. This led me to tell everyone that my half time decreased by an hour. Oops. Doesn't matter I stilled improved my time significantly and I can proudly say that it is because I trained more than twice for this one.
So without further adieu:

					DIVISION	OVERALL	DIVPL	SEXPL	TIME	PACE
					F2529	550	56/60	283/319	2:36:43	11:58

Nay I say to you, Ya gotta

2009-10-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

Ya gotta just do it.

I was listening to NPR this morning and an incredibly dashing man, well he must have been with that accent, was deliberating a certain issue with the poetic lilt that only comes with being British when all of a sudden he threw in a "ya gotta." It was weird but true, because you do, you do just gotta.

For me this means doing impossible things I guess.

Marathons? Ultras? Ironmans? Just loosing the pooch? I figure, I need to find something productive to do while relationships around me fall to ashes. Meanwhile, it has already become an open door to build new relationships and live a healthier life.

So here I go. Because I just gotta.

13 7/64 miles

2009-10-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

I am slow. How come one week of not running does more damage than one week of running benefits? Last night I ran almost a mile (my path is not quite long enough) then my legs went numb so I ran another almost mile back. 20 minutes with 1 minute break. Half on Saturday. I'm more nervous for this one than for the last one that I didn't train for at all. Mostly because my bro just ran an obscene trail half marathon with over 2000 ft of elevation gain. And yes there are supposed to be three zeroes there and THEN he had the nerve to complain about his time. He wanted under 3 hours, but he ran across at 3:03:38 after walking so he could pout for awhile. AND THEN irony came back to bite him in the.. well you know and his official time was 3:00:38. I say, serves him right. But that's only because my half PR is 3:30. So, you know. That's how it goes. So who is taking bets on Saturday? I bet five cents I can shave (hahaha, I should probably say cut zz top's beard with pruning shears) my half time down by one hour. That's my secret goal. My realistic goal is under 3:oo:38 on the completely flat course with .0001 feet of elevation gain (yes, there are supposed to be three zeroes). I need to get me some goos.

Oh and for his side of the story and for a more entertaining version go here: http://streakrun.com

And no that's not me. That's how good I WON'T look after the race.

2009-09-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

2 miles - 21 minutes I was supposed to do three according the training plan I got off the internet. Basically, I went on-line I looked up a half training program for how fast I want to be and then I looked at the last three weeks and I'm doing that. Hahah. Please feel free to not comment on how ridiculous this is. The best part is that on a real schedule this is when it actually begins winding down so none of the runs are actually that long. I know this will work though because this plan was designed by an expert!

In other news my back hurts and I think trying to learn how to lucid dream is giving me even weirder dreams than normal.

Also, I submitted my peace corps application and two abominations of essays. Henceforth, I will be blogging more because I am an English teacher and I should be a good writer but I won't be a good writer unless I practice so from now on I'm going to try to write more yet at the same time try to write better but only after this insanely long run on sentence because it's kind of fun to break the rules.

Have a good day.

God Be With You

2009-09-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

As you dream and sigh
Even let loose and cry
May God be with you.

For all of the times
You must say goodbye
May God be with you.

And in the end when heaven comes
and Earth regains her beauty
May God truly truly be with you.

I am in over my head.

2009-09-15T12:49:00.001-07:00

Sigh.

Busy, I don't think this fully describes my life right now.

2009-09-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

active, already taken, assiduous, at it, buried, diligent, employed, engaged, engrossed, having a full plate, having enough on one's plate, having fish to fry, having many irons in the fire, hustling, in a meeting, in conference, in someone else's possession, in the field, in the laboratory, industrious, occupied, on assignment, on duty, on the go, overloaded, persevering, slaving, snowed, swamped, tied up, unavailable, up to one's ears, with a customer, working

NOT

idle, quiet, unbusy, unemployed, unengaged

But it's close. Moving in the right direction at least.

Running

2009-08-31T09:54:00.001-07:00

I don't know why, but I am obsessed with running fast as of late. Crazy, I know! This for me is very strange, and probably just means hitting the pavement louder and harder with a minute increase in time, but I just crave it. I want to go faster and faster but I only get slower and slower the longer I run! Drat. The other part of this you don't want to know about is that I have a condition where running itself gives me the urge to urinate. And as some might graciously put it, "the faster the the better." I read an article awhile back about how this is the case with a surprisingly large number of women. I usually try to combat it by going seconds before I run and saving most water consumption till afterward. Unfortunately it still happens and it did last night. I was running and wanted to run faster but had to go. So I went. In the bushes. I told my husband when I came home and his response was, "Why?" I looked at him incredulously replying, "Because I had to go?" What kind of answer would you expect to that question?

It's all such a weird phenomenon because I am not a fast runner. In fact I usually avoid running fast because I feel like I'll keel over afterward. I don't like feeling like I'm dying when I work out. I like feeling elated afterward like I'm a really good person, taking care of myself. That all seems to have flown out the window. I don't care how long I go, I just GO. Then I walk and huff and puff and then GO again. Each time my quads try to convince me that telling them to try harder is not going to work.

One thing that I've decided while on this probably short lived journey is that I don't really know how to run fast. I feel like I'm all over the place. Its as if there are 1000 different things to think about at once. Feet, step, stride, balance, arms, heels, rhythm, posture: complicated! Any suggestions to simplify the process would be greatly appreciated. Meanwhile, I'll just try not to break anything on my 100 feet sprints... err.. I mean 1000. *cough* *cough*

The destruction of becoming.

2009-08-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

I quit.
I'm through.
Adios.

No longer will I become a... anything.
Come now or tomorrow, I like where I'm at,
I am who I am and I'm fine enough with that
to stop chasing dreams like I'm buying a hat.

To become a teacher,
To become a rock star,
To become a lion tamer,
To become a prison guard,

Enough with all the foopheraw!

I don't want to become
Anything more
Or anything less
Than everything I am in this bundled up mess.

Now... what to do next.

Poet-ness

2009-08-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

So, I am officially moving closer to poethood. Not enough to quit my job or anything, unfortunately, but I read the last poem I posted on my blog at a coffee house last night. Well, to say I 'read' it is probably an understatement. A friend of mine said he almost fell out of his chair. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I warned everyone, "I can be dramatic," and I had them turn the microphone off. It's just, if I'm going to do something, I've got to do it with everything I've got. So if I'm going to be a poet, I've got to stop complaining about having a job and just write:

I think I'd be a better poet if I was black.
I'd write about my people, my struggles, myself.
And everyone would listen because right now folks are interested.

Or maybe I could be famous, earn my living if I was a scholar.
I'd pick apart the pieces and with my sleight of hand show them,
how to put all the meanings back together again.

But the easy road by far, is to lend a helping hand,
to those wanna-be rock stars rising to the top.
They must be hiring lyricists, if I want to sell myself short.

Poets. Do they really exist anymore?
Do I want to be a dying breed: am I one already?
Perhaps love, or war, or my dying breath, will give me an idea.

Also, I found this interesting:

Introduction to Poetry
by Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

Oh and this is one of my perfect dream houses:

Have a beautiful day.

2009-08-01T21:42:00.001-07:00

There must seriously be some major part of the gospel I missed when it became ok to not only justify but support murder and ignorance towards the poor, the sick, and those in need.

2009-07-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

Well I ran .9 miles in 14 minutes and 39 seconds. I think that is a new record for slow. Then I ran splits back. I don't know what that means in the running world but I ran as fast as I could for one minute and then walked for 30 seconds. Repeat. At least I'm running? Or something... jogging at least. Hopping? Who knows.

Anyway, I read an interesting article in Runner's World yesterday about a man with pain that could only be helped by this doctor with a theory about how the brain will give you physical pain when you are worried/stressed about something else. I'm too lazy (or embarrassed to say tired from running) to get up and get the magazine and give you the details but I think the concept is timeless and worthy of attention. So today when I got done I had this pain in my hip and I prayed and I said go away you idiot I know I'm just stressed and it instantly disappeared. Hahah. Application is fun!

Weeeeeeeee.

Now on to the stress. Ugh.

Maybe I would rather have the pain in my hip.

Just kidding!

Post China Post

2009-07-29T06:45:00.001-07:00

Hello blog despised and blocked by China.

I missed you.

2.85 Miles in 37:30.

I swear I was running fast!

I guess I was distracted by the incredible sunrise.

There are perks to jet lag and getting up at 3:30am.

Oh and welcome back to me.

Oswaldian Meanderings

2009-05-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

The sleep sits deep in her eyes.
Each effort seems thwarted
to regain control back
and no amount of coffee
or troubled sleep
can abate

the creeping.
the clinging.
the clawing.

She used to think
that bones were strong.
So how did it get in?
So deep, deep in her bones,
her breath, her faith.
He watches.

She can't swing away from herself
and can't catch her past
to rip away from its trouble
the puppy pursues his tail:
futility.

"FREE ME!" She screams.
She demands. She begs.
The echo answers her,
annoyed for disrupting its peace.
Trouble persists.
Anguish begins to rain.
It rains down.
She is soaked. She trembles.
He grieves.

Still the reply remains the same.
The echo fades and is replaced.
Again, again, again.
With what?
Suddenly she remembers.
She begins to settle down.
Yet, trouble pursues.
The tiger leaps again.
Its prey so clear.
It is what it is.
Anguish heightens.
Her breathing slows.
She knows now.
He is there.

"You remember?" he whispers.
"Yes," she mumbles.
"I never promised to keep you from trouble.
But,
we will be conquerors."
She and him.
He and her.
Together.

A Logic defied
paints the sky
paints the sky
with love.

With the persistence hunt
odds are destroyed
odds are destroyed
By the love of God in Christ.

Her silence accepts.

And again

she rises

out of

the wreck.

13.1 miles, a new place I call home, and a lot of love later

2009-05-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

Life is beautiful. I mean seriously, can I get an amen here?!

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

"And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.

"You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

"You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.

"You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

Let all know! Let everyone rejoice. The Lord is good and his love endures forever.

My blessed sister Charity came over yesterday to our new place and planted seeds of joy and hope and love in my heart. We gathered together and He was there in our midst. We prayed and loved and worshiped. Then, all was good. Everything else faded away.

We must prepare for shockwaves people! And how do we prepare? We ground ourselves in the love of Christ, blanket ourselves in the peace that passes understanding and stand in awe to the mystery of God. Stand in fear, in wonder, in worship and love. With our minds and hearts and souls and bodies. All that we are and were and will be. Open. Vulnerable. Strong. Loved and loving.

Let us be verdant.

How will you delight today in the Lord with all that you are?

I suggest you begin with breath. Let the very basic act of living speak of longing and desire with each rise and fall.

Peace be to you.

I am an idiot.

2009-04-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

I just bought poisonous plants to put in my vegetable garden.

I keep starting posts...

2009-04-08T11:01:00.001-07:00

..but never finish them.

Why must life demand to be so enigmatic? Life goes on and on complaining that no one is paying attention, throwing unforeseen circumstances right and left like a two-year-old having a tantrum, meanwhile expecting what? Hot chocolate before bed? That curious unreceived wanted attention from fathers and mothers that results in something broken, angry parents and too much eye contact? Oh life. In time's dungeon you toil away plotting, planning, dreaming of your final escape into a green eden paradise, taking quietly back what was thought to be freely given. What would I do for a moment of escape? Ahh, to be a Libertas, an eluder. Would my hands stop looking older? Stop growing, slowly, furtively more wrinkled and worn?

Ah Lord, if "Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom," (Soren Kierkegarrd) be my steady chair.

Isn't she beautiful?

2009-03-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

http://www.separett.eu/default.asp?id=2128&ptid=2052

Loving Life

2009-03-02T07:34:00.000-08:00

This morning I took my time and it was beautiful. Even though someone left a present for me in the bathroom that didn't flush, that made a mess, I took my time and it was beautiful. I cooked up some New England Grapefruit, made myself a "Linnea" cappuccino with my fair trade organic coffee and I sat down and enjoyed every moment even when someone left an empty milk carton in the refrigerator and I found food left out all night. Of course, I was a little late, 5 minutes to be exact, but it was ok because they hadn't even started the powerpoint yet. I don't know, I just love life a lot. I love that my future isn't certain because I know I would probably just get bored and discontent. I love that I'm constantly faced with challenges even though I fail most of them the first time. This weekend I organized and threw out a ton of useless stuff. It was beautiful. It was freeing. I finished a project that I've been working on for a couple years and every time I see it I'm just happy that I've created something I'm so proud to give. (Ashley when will I see you next!?!) This morning on MPR they played the most beautiful waltz which has just stuck with me. All morning I've felt like waltzing around. The spirit surrounds me, flowing about like the swoosh of a long dress constantly reminding me that there is no failure permanent when God is with me. This is beautiful. Thanks God.

Funny

2009-02-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

Directions: Go to google.com and search for "[your name] needs".

Linnea needs new, common goals. Hmmm...
Linnea needs a princess dress or a stuffed elephant or a make up kit. No. Absolutely no.
Linnea needs glasses immediately. I certainly hope not.
Linnea needs a webkinz friend! What is that?
Linnea needs a hobby. I think I might just have enough of those.
Linnea needs help remembering why the pain of the trip may be worth it. Ouch.
Linnéa needs to hear your thoughts. Yes!
Linnea needs to test drive a lot of baby stuff these days. Ugh Oh! Yikes!

Someone else named Linnea did this before me. Dirty name stealer!

A random post of 25 random things about me.

2009-01-29T07:01:00.000-08:00

1. I never, ever, ever forward, take part, engage in, or otherwise acknowledge chain letters, forwards, here is a bunch of random stuff about me lists, or anything resembling the previous especially as they relate to on-line social networking groups.

2. Sometimes I do things that are unexpected, just so I don't feel trapped by mediocrity.

3. I want to design my own runway show made of all recycled materials with girls and guys of all sizes and have a crazy party to celebrate afterwards, inspiring everyone to start making their own clothes and stop buying anything new.

4. I want to sing/scream/play in a band again. It was one of the best times of my life. Thank you Ashley for lying that I could sing.

5. I want to write and illustrate a children's book that gets read a thousand times, even by adults, (but especially nephews and nieces), which inspires people to live amazing lives for God and compose music to be listened to while reading the book.

6. I want to write a song and create a music video for it. I have a white satin strapless dress that I want to run through a forest barefoot in. My vision also includes lots of mud(possibly in the form of a bath), a little bit of the color red and flying(probably done by birds).

7.I want to blow someone's mind away by giving an amazing gift. My brother is in Kenya right now and this is one of his recent stories(For the complete post go here):The afternoon had another similar project visit/audit. We had the honor of planting a tree at the project and doing another home visit. At this home, the child was not there (she was at the project) so we met the mom. She was a very young mom, had three kids, was very shy, and expressed her shyness through laughing. I asked a few questions which were translated back and forth. At the end we were about to leave, she stepped away from the 6' by 6' main room of her simple mud house with a tin roof that we were in (not owned but rented,) to a side chamber that was about 2' by 3' in size. She came back with a bag of raw peanuts which she set in front of me. I was told that she wanted to give me a gift. I was struck very hard by this act of generosity. This woman who has in material terms as close to nothing as you can get was giving me what amounted to her an enormous amount of food. The American in me felt overwhelmed and of course didn't want to take something of such value from her. My Kenyan partner sensed this and told me in no uncertain terms that I absolutely HAD to accept the gift, there was no choice. The mom jokingly added that I should give some of the peanuts to President Obama as well. Two very obvious characteristics, cultural and otherwise of Kenyans exhibited by this and many other examples: 1. They are extremely generous. At all of the home visits to children and families in poverty, they insisted on serving tea and/or food or in this case giving a gift. 2. They are extremely welcoming to visitors. It was described to me at a church we went to on Sunday that Kenyans view visitors like "water in a river, flowing one way." the water will not likely return so you as the host must be sure to welcome them warmly in the chance you get.

8.I want to either live in a hut or build a dome home, live in community or in the ghetto, live recklessly abandoned or not at all. (If it's off the grid that makes me even happier.)

9. Why on earth did I pick 25? I have homework to do! I procrastinate with almost everything. It has nearly been my undoing an unspeakable amount of times.

10. I want to speak at least three languages fluently before I'm 30.(Maybe a new language every decade?) (Hearing people speak other languages results in three things: exciting me(If you KNOW what I mean), long bouts of daydreaming, tinges of uncontrollable jealousy.

11.That being said I have studied the following languages significantly: French, Mandarin, ASL, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek.

12. I want to work on a Bible Translation Project. I think it is incredibly important for everyone on Earth to be literate and to be informed enough to make their own decisions.

13. When I'm overwhelmed I hide in bathrooms and think about the hundreds of other people who sat there before me.

14. Speaking of bathrooms, I've been known to squat in most public restrooms and have been 'discovered' unexpectedly in the process by someone who decided to yank the stall door open.

15. I'm training for a triathlon. (Mostly mentally right now;-) I want to canoe the mississippi, bike from coast to coast and hike the pacific crest trail.

16. I enjoy mime, being a mime, practicing silence, and secretly *heart* all monks. As a side note I also heart most men wearing kilts.

17. I absolutely love baking (as well as most foreign cooking) and creating time-consuming, delectable, never before made recipes that probably only I appreciate. Most of the time I'm not half bad. Presentation is important to me.

18. I absolutely love being for the most part vegetarian. It has made my life simpler, less smelly and I'm even more excited to eat than before. (Which I didn't know was possible.)

19. I think I am fat most of the time even though sometimes I tell people I know I'm not. This is only because I had food allergies/eating problems when I was a younger and weighed 130 lbs when I graduated high school. Now I weigh 170 lbs and while I love my body I will always be envious of other people who are probably too skinny and reflect on the days when my acne wasn't as bad and people would tell me I could have been a model.

20. I'm excited to die, just not anytime soon. Even though I know I will probably regret it, I hope I will live to be a healthy 100 years old. If I do, I plan on spending a significant amount of time streaking, laughing, singing, and interrupting people's lives to make them think differently and not take themselves too seriously.

21. If I have a terrible, awful, no good, rotten day I will do one or more of the following: eat an entire carton of blueberries, take a hot bath with lavender with candles lit while playing my favorite music (probably kevin prosch, sigur ros, waterdeep), reading my favorite book and drinking some delicious wine, lay down in the middle of field and yell until the sound of my craziness makes me break out in a fit of laughter, go swinging in the dark, or drink something with baileys in it.

22. For approximately 14 and 1/2 years of my life I was pursuing being an astronaut.

21. When no one is home I walk around the house in high heels. I secretly like wearing them, but I don't wear them in public because I can't walk very well, I think they are a dumb idea, and I don't like towering over everyone. (I feel like they're looking up my nose and that it makes them uncomfortable.)

22. I wrote a song the other day. I do it from time to time. I have instrument ADD though. One day I'll play piano, then guitar, then banjo, maybe mandolin, and even drums if I feel a little crazy. It means I'm pretty bad at just about all of them.

23. If I could have been, I would have been an ballet dancing opera singer who did comedy routines. (equally good at all of them and equally entertaining to experts from all disciplines.)

24. I hate almost all bright colors. They give me a headache.

25. I desperately want a goat! or two. And a massive vegetable garden. Woo Hoo! I get tingly just thinking about it.

Witness of Truth

2009-01-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

I quit being the president of Chi-Alpha today. I have peace about it and excitement for the future of the fellowship but at the same time I just feel like a giant failure. The worst part is that I really don't think anybody will think twice which is fine, that part doesn't matter but I can't help but wish of course that I could have changed somebodies life for the better somehow. I also feel pushed around by people which is a feeling I hate. I don't like being pushed around but I'm also a let bygones be bygones person. If you want to push then fine go somewhere else and push. I guess its just a season of hermitagious desire. Like my new word? Yes. I want to be a hermit. Or a monk. I wouldn't have to feel unloved or deal with people talking behind my back. I wouldn't have to try and decide whether I need to explain an unexplainable thing to someone who continues to believe lies in hopes they might see truth. I need so much more of God so bad right now. But I'm so dang stubborn and selfish and busy trying to make life work. It's just one of those nights. The insomnia has set in and you just want to cry it out but you know even that would be one self indulgent helping too many to add to the pile. It may strike you as crazy but there was a time in my life that I considered myself a pretty neutral person. Someone who could be friends with maybe just about anyone. But now I'm loosing them left and right. Or maybe just realizing I never really had them. All it really makes me feel like is that it's my fault. I haven't been a good enough Christian or loved enough even though part of me says good riddance. I don't know. All I've really discovered is that taking care of people is hard work and I'm not very good at it. Like most things in life I guess. Hah. Well, my prayer continues to be that I could be a witness of truth.

Post #101.

2009-01-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm as ready as I'm ever going to get. The sickness seems to be in flight and work starts tomorrow. I'm listening to "Vow" by Kutless because I forgot to on New Year's Eve(Did you remember Sadie?) I'm ready to get back in the swing of things and excited for the newness the beginning of a semester brings. I know my excitement for challenges won't last long but I'm determined to do my best and bless as many people as I can in the process.

Some things I'd like to work on this year in no particular order:

1. Decide on a topic and begin my thesis.
2. Record music with my husband.
3. Travel to another country.
4. Help my husband make it through his next semester with lots of yummy meals, encouragement, and excitement for his endeavors.
5. Grow the community either in people, goats, vegetables, service or spirit.
6. Be healthy.
7. Finish a half marathon and a triathlon sprint.
8. Ride my first measured century.
9. Beat my best 5K time.
10. Pray more, read more, love more.
11. Read through one book of the Bible in it's original language.
12. Practice my Chinese.

I love seeing my Dad when he's this happy.

2008-12-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

A Tower Was Built...

2008-12-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

A tower was built that now is falling.
Supports crashing, momentum growing.
The darting squirrels of crumbles scatter,
Splattered by soon forgotten matters.
The dust cloud rises slowly, slowly,
Billowing out as a dancer's pirouette.
All is naked, for a moment exposed;
Cloaked only in a moment of silence
before the sound defiles our ears.
As the beauty startles before the roar.
A record's hum at the end of the song.

A tower has fallen that once was built
on plasmic mortar and a pestilence
that seized upon a fear so bold
none could escape the story's folds.

Show me your humanity!

2008-12-08T08:17:00.000-08:00

In truth, anything is good when paired with fine friends, fine food and fine loving. Even humanity. Tumbling down a hill, rolling at high speeds with my arms wrapped tightly around my sister's legs and ending in a snowy tangled heap really does something to make a person feel alive. It's the memories that ask, "What if I hadn't happened, would your life be the same?" or "Could anything have made this moment better?" that change a person, that change how I think about living. They also make me ask, why aren't the rest like this? Why the bickering? Why the nit-picking? Why the absence? Sy Rogers said, "Don't expect God to take away your humanity."

Proverbs 12:1

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.

I like the Empires. They are fun.

2008-10-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

"I'm good at finding things on the internet if you want any help." I said. In fact, the list of things I haven't been able to find on the internet isn't very long. I hadn't really thought about my sudden ability until he'd expressed his frustration. In reality though, figuring out what kind of barley is good for making beer didn't seem like much of an obstacle. He would probably end up ordering it on the internet anyway. I try to imagine life without high speed invisible info shooting through air, dancing to and fro between imaginary, intangible websites that all-of-a-sudden materialize on a monitor with the right right-click, but I don't get very far. I don't really want to because I like the idea of my fingertips having such access to knowledge and power. The problem is when I really can't find what I'm looking for. I type. I search. I browse. No matter what I do, the info isn't there. It's worse when I can't get past the CTRL-T. Blink. Blink. Blink. The cursor remarks expectantly; the methodic pulsing seems to become impatient. I can't even come up with a question. There are no answers to questions that can't be asked.

5 anxiety attacks, 2 Bs, 1 nervous breakdown, and 1 16 year-old-sister move-in later...

2008-10-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

--Monica Macaulay in Surviving Linguistics: A Guide for Graduate Students

If you’re in graduate school, it is highly likely that you were a smart kid. You probably got very good grades, and probably didn’t’ have to try very hard to be the best in your classes. Then…you get to graduate school and suddenly you’re not the smartest person in the class any more. You’re surrounded by smart people. This can be a shattering experience for entering grad students, as they try to find their place in a very different environment than they are used to. But it doesn’t end there. Many graduate students have a persistent feeling that they are hiding the shameful secret of how unutterably stupid they are. They feel like everybody is smart, and they are the only dumb one in class. Often students live in fear of being found out – a common nightmare is that some day the admissions committee is going to realize that they sent the wrong letter, and that the student was only admitted by accident.
One result of this feeling is that students become afraid to speak up in class for fear of revealing themselves as the frauds they are certain they are. Another result can be excessive perfectionism, which can lead to an inability to complete projects. These kinds of behaviors can be very damaging to one’s graduate and post-graduate career, and sadly are more common than you might think.
In fact, this is so common that it has a name: Imposter Syndrome. Most academics suffer from it at one point or another in their careers, and many never overcome it. (I won’t name names, but a well-known professor in another field told me that at age 73 he was still waiting to get over it!) … In fact, the psychological literature is filled with studies that describe students, professors, CEOs, nurse practitioners, and others as suffering from this syndrome. It is more prevalent in women and members of ethnic minority groups, but is certainly not confined to them.

2008-10-14T07:19:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when I go back and read my blog I'm like, who IS this person?

2008-10-13T10:52:00.001-07:00

"I AM, help us to be where we are."

-James, in Winnipeg, on a dock, in the middle of the night.

2008-10-05T19:41:00.000-07:00

thanks

you knew

you...

yeah.

thanks.

#3 in the Oswald's words rock my universe series

2008-10-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

Why can't I be enough?
Why can't I do it on my own?
This strength, this blood
what's it really for?

Why does failure seek me out?
Quickly each hiding place
dissolved
How do you hide from the unseen?
How do you face tomorrow's today
after today's defeat?

Why can't we drive it out?
Secret demons secret pains
This kind can come out
only with prayer, Jesus said.

Crush Me

2008-09-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

My tissue has glitter in it. I don't need a tissue that has glitter in it. No one does. I don't need one with lotion or vitamin E either.

There's a reason we don't sing in our worship songs phrases like crush me, make me suffer, break me, burn me. That's because we're just big sissies.

Big selfish, rich sissies.

Let's face it folks, we're wimps. And by we I mean me and you. Yeah, I'm pointing and, yeah, I don't care. Sure, we might sing things like sanctify me but do we really mean "to make free from sin; to cleanse from moral corruption and pollution; to purify"? Are we really ready for that? Do we understand what that takes? That's like depolluting the planet. It doesn't just happen overnight with a magic wand. It takes CHANGE. MAJOR CHANGE.

So maybe what we really mean is, "Lord forgive me for screwing up some more and while you're at it could you please just, you know, make me holy because it's really too hard for me to do it. Oh, and by the way, I really like my stuff so even though Christ said get rid of it, maybe you could just work around that. Christ said it's really hard to get to heaven if you're wealthy, but with you things are easy, and I'm not wealthy because I've got school loans and car loans and house loans so in reality I'm really poor, in fact, right now, I'm broke.
And you know how terrible so-and-so is. I'm just going to leave the whole 'loving them' thing to you, because you're way better at it anyway. Besides, if you were in my shoes you'd think they were obnoxious and annoying too after what they did to me. They just didn't have the right. What? I don't have any rights? Come on God, you know I'm not that kind of christian. My life is tough. I'm totally like a slave at work and I always get things last, like new phones and new cars and new movies. So, I'm definitely going to be first in heaven, finally. And didn't Jesus suffer for us, so that means we don't have to? Look, I'm not even that bad. There are way worse Christians that don't even tithe ten percent, let alone go to church regularly."

My newest worship song, 2nd in my serious on Oswald:

Crush me, crush me
And do it for the church,
not for me, Lord, not for me.
Make me right, make me whole
using all the pain it takes
Crush me, dear Lord, dear Lord

Bake me and make me flow.
Pour me out as your wine.
Pull me apart like a bread loaf.
Then feed your church,
Show the world,
Your love.

HERE I AM! IT'S ME!
Send me out. Send me anywhere.
To the depths,
to the darkness,
to the deepest fears and hate.

Trap me in a room,
with all the people I dislike
Strand me in the places I hate.
Shove me into the situations I loathe
and let me wiggle and writhe, alone.

But whatever you do Lord
Do not let them choke
by trying to drink grapes.
And Lord protect them,
from my bitterness, my wrath
from the vile, unripe wine of youth.

So crush me my king,
crush me, I cry
do it for them, your church,
Not for me Lord.
Make me right, make me whole
do whatever it takes.
Crush me, dear Lord, crush me.

2008-09-26T08:47:00.001-07:00

Inspiration is like picking up one of those blinky things in a video game that makes you invincible for awhile. You can do anything, go anywhere, and you don’t have to worry about it.

Those blinky things exist in real life too. It may be a picture, or some words, or a sound, or a idea, or a mistake, or a moment. Whatever it is, pick it up and run with it. Run with it like you stole it.

You can’t bottle up inspiration. You can’t put it in a ziplock, toss it in the freezer, and fish it out later. It’s instantly perishable if you don’t eat it while it’s fresh…

from an interesting blog I found

The other

2008-09-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

New and fresh, the other is best
No problems, only bubbling excitement
until of course you have it.

Squirrels on End Island

2008-09-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

At the point where dreams become memories, intentions become notches on an accomplishment stick and our many priorities melt into the few things that matter on this Earth, there is an unsuspected place. Few have heard of it or even think of visiting but all eventually end up passing through just as surprised as you are to be reading this like children when startled by scampering squirrels. Except what they don't realize is that the squirrel was always there, just waiting, watching them, until the time was right to flirt in fancy for a moment before vanishing. Thus, is the way of End Island.

To be continued...

Her grandmother's necklace

2008-09-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

Her grandmother's necklace
three shades of blue
rising and falling as she sighs

worn from the years
still a sparkle remains
the mystery of a secret life

Through the turn and the toil
time cranks on, barges through
whispers and weeping forgotten
a girl, a lady, a woman, a maid
but still the blue pearls remain

meals of oatmeal porridge
pudding and soup
meal by meal till the end she prays

her daughter a memory
that's flying from her
her granddaughter a thousand miles away

Through the turn and the toil
time cranks on, barges through
whispers and weeping forgotten
a girl, a lady, a woman, a maid
generations of women connected

she doesn't know that its missing
she doesn't know she lives on
day by day she reaches closer to rest

that blue pearl necklace
the last to connect
three women eventually forgot

Through the turn and the toil
time cranks on, barges through
whispers and weeping forgotten
till the sound of blue pearls on the floor

What will be, will be

2008-07-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

and that's okay.

2008-07-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

I am tired. I can't sleep. I can't work. I can't be insightful or creative. Just worthless. ARghh. Lord, Lord. All blessing and honor be unto your name. Amen.

the vicious cycle

2008-07-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

Linnea tries to do it on her own.
Linnea falls apart.
Linnea cries out.
Linnea hears God answer.
Linnea is surprised and exhilarated.
Linnea feels stupid for feeling surprised.
Linnea feels stupid for falling apart.
Linnea feels ok about that because God answered.
Linnea is happy.
Linnea becomes creative and excited.
Linnea shares her experience.
Linnea feels good about being open.
Linnea opens up more and vocalizes ideas in public.
Linnea struggles to vocalize her exact perfect thoughts.
Linnea feels embarrassed and stupid that the ideas aren't understood and accepted by everyone.
Linnea realizes that they weren't that great anyway.
Linnea never wants to talk again.
So, Linnea blogs about it.

Hahahaha

I hate semantics.

2008-06-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

The ninth letter of the English alphabet feels hostility, dislike, distaste and animosity towards the study of linguistic development by classifying and examining changes in meaning and form.

Where Are My Wings?

2008-06-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

And where are my wings?
I swear I had them here!
I've no time to look now,
but, I'll need them soon, I will!
I can feel the marks they've left
from soaring high above the Earth.
I miss the rush the wind gave,
that bright burst of joy and cheer.

They must be here somewhere
but, I can't find them anywhere,
perhaps I'll just go out,
and find myself a new pair.
No wings? No wings!
Alas, no wings anywhere?
Whatever will I do to visit sky again?
To feel the joy of soaring...

Oh my, look at that fancy horse though!
And that shiny new bicycle.
Perhaps, while I'm here
I'll get something new after all.
My wings can wait, surely,
you see, there really is no rush.
With these fun toys
I don't even miss them much.

But time passes quickly,
as time has tendency to do.
And when you don't pay attention,
memories can go from light to shadow,
from where, they never will return.
Feelings, however, remain
and when we let them, they
come back to stir up pain.

You see, I'm not feeling well today.
It's like there's something missing.
I've racked my brain and tried all things
but can't seem to remember anything.
Perhaps I'll rest or take some pills
Tomorrow will be new
but still I feel as if there was
something important I needed to do.

What are those you ask?
Those things back there?
Actually, I'm not sure if I recall,
They've always been there
Getting smaller as I,
grow gray and older and older.
But they serve no use at all
I think they're marks from birth.

Sigh

2008-06-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Jesus,

Balance is a beautiful thing. I would like some more, if you have some more to give. But,I realize there's no take without a little give so feel free to rummage out the space in me you need. While you're at it maybe we could make a little deal, help me give up everything that keeps me from the truth and I'll become the unruly messenger to get the word out. Please don't let the fact that I'm not ready slow our haste, just know that without flinching I'm fully committed to this.

Love Always,

Linnea Amelia Moira Rose Barton

2008-06-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

I think I had my first panic attack yesterday. According to Wikipedia: (My symptoms are bolded.)

Panic attacks are sudden, discrete periods of intense anxiety, mounting physiological arousal(?), fear, stomach problems (spastic colon) and discomfort that are associated with a variety of somatic and cognitive symptoms.[1] The onset of these episodes is typically abrupt, and may have no obvious triggers. Although these episodes may appear random, they are a subset of an evolutionary response commonly referred to as fight or flight that occur out of context. This response floods the body with hormones, particularly epinephrine (adrenaline), that aid in defending itself from harm.[2] Experiencing a panic attack is said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life.[2](I don't know about this part though)

According to the American Psychological Association the symptoms of a panic attack commonly last approximately ten minutes. However, panic attacks can be as short as 1–5 minutes, while sometimes panic attacks may form a cyclic series of episodes, lasting for an extended period, sometimes hours. Often those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred, and in situations where they feel "trapped". That is, where escape would be obvious and/or embarrassing.

Panic attacks also affect people differently. Experienced sufferers may be able to completely "ride out" a panic attack with little to no obvious symptoms or external manifestations. Others, notably first-time sufferers, may even call for emergency services; many who experience a panic attack for the first time fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.[3]

Also, I was sweating profusely and my left hand shook uncontrollably (side to side about three inches)

In chapel the morning of the man talked about self worth. In different points of his life his self worth was divided between different areas.

To be honest I think this is my break down of where I get my self worth:

Being a good wife, sister, leader and housemate 25%
God 10%
Getting straight A's 40%
Impressing all the translators and peers I respect10%
Exercising and being healthy 15%

So, this is totally pitiful and most likely the cause of the breakdown. (Did I mention it happened in my professor's office?) Thankfully, as my sister reminded me with a lovely phone call last night at midnight, "It's a new day!" God's mercies are new every morning. I am surrounding my incredible people who constantly blow me away. I cannot fathom how much I am loved. God, you are so good.

2008-06-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

We have our first couch surfer!! Woo Hoo!

Who am I

2008-06-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not very good at teaching myself.

2008-06-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

Google Docs isn't working right which means I can't access a document I need to for class. Now, although there are other things I could be working on, I'm not because I'm frustrated. I ordered pie to help me get defrustrated and it came in two seconds flat exactly as specified with some delicious cheese sprinkled evenly over the top. I have experienced delightification.

So, my question today is, have you even been in a highly technical class that left you feeling generally intimidated and stressed because you only understood about 25-50% of what the teacher initially said?

Did you ever have moments when you were deep into study, your head aching, a new vocabulary word coming at you every other sentence and hope of complete understand looking dimmer and dimmer when all of a sudden you realized the concept they were trying to communicate was something actually quite simple? So simple in fact that you spent another five-ten minutes just trying to check and see if you were understanding wrongly just because it seemed so impossible? Jargon is necessary but, jargon is stupid and annoying.

So, we're talking about government versus agreement in morphological typology right? Hahhahahaha. They tell you that government is the syntactic relationship between two constituents captured by obligatory marking on a dependent constituent like a preposition. Now every dependent constituent is paired with a head and the language either has a tendency to branch to the right or left. Some constituents that contain a large number of grammatical elements are considered heavy and have the tendency to be placed after the head being modified. Thus, in Greek the preposition governs the dative case. What on Earth does this mean?

Look, a preposition isn't that important because it always has to stick to something else. It's not special in a language like Greek partially because they are little and they don't change(meaning they are monomorphemic and fixed in form). In Greek any extra stuff stuck on the beginnings or ends of words are because of that little preposition, he decides you see, not anybody more important like the thing doing the action or the actual event. So, you can say that for our examples the case of nominals depends on the preposition present but case is irrelevant to them.

Baahumbug. I've got another 250 pages to read for tomorrow. That was 1/2 of one.

What's it doing outside?

2008-06-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

Reilly, Jewell and I are at Dakota Harvest and we just saw a house sparrow out the window! Jewell gets five points for knowing it was a sparrow.

Threshing floor

2008-05-08T21:24:00.001-07:00

take me down to the threshing floor
take me where it will cost me more

let me not sacrifice that which costs me nothing
let me offer up myself to you

Let me introduce some of my family

2008-05-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

This is Stanley:

He is a bryophyllum probably daigremontianum but I'm not really sure. I obtained him about five years ago at the Indian international night. He's been pruned many times, and certainly spread his seed. I would say there are probably twenty or so little Stanleys running around GF and beyond. Since the move to our new basement place he's been pretty laid back because he's so big he doesn't fit well into the window and doesn't get all the light he needs. He recently moved into the bathroom. I just found out that bryophyllum can get beautiful pink flowers! So, my goal this summer is for Stanley to spread his wings a bit.

Next, meet Eoghan:

He is wood sorrel or Oxalis acetosella. He is too tall and leggy because he also doesn't get enough light. Actually these kinds of plants like to be crowded in a pot but you've got to work with what you've got. Needless to say he is very excited about summer.

Wow! Look how Lancelot has grown!
A couple years ago I blogged about this little fellow when he was just a wee babe. Now after a couple harsh winters he's well on his way to his first pollination! I can't find the genus and species but you get the idea.

STELLA!!!!

**update** Stella is a Peperomia argyreia (Watermelon Peperomia)

This plant is commonly known as the Watermelon Peperomia due to the close resemblence of the markings on its leaves to the fruit. Supported on long reddish petioles, the tear drop-shaped leaves are dark green and have silvery-gray stripes that radiate from the center.

So, I found out today that it's really difficult to find out what plants are if you don't know. Stella is still unknown and pretty sick. When I bought her she was about twice this size. I'm basically a terrible mother. But, there's hope. She recently repotted and I promised her we would start spending more quality time together. I think I can see her leaves perking up already!

the sounds of music

2008-04-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

When there are no words to describe your state that can be shifted and shaped into meaning,

When attempting to speak only makes living harder than it already is,

And even then speaking successfully leaves for wanting and lack thus

There is only one thing left that utters without words as clearly as road signs, landmarks and broken hearts,

the sounds of music.

----------------------------

The Four Muses (A work in progress)

One man alone with brush in hand
Can not paint the face of God
Can not change the way that people think
Or redefine art in the world

But there was once a man who tried
With brush and pen to define artistic love
Flanked by muses on each side his hand would
Dance and sing in ways unknown to man

Down the streets they exclaimed:
Who is this man
This young one
Who creates with such skill
Our hearts are moved, breathless
We stand waiting for another masterpiece

No man deserved such a gift of faithfulness and love
As given by those muses living in his head
So with his four companions along beside
He faithfully obliged the world with beauty before unseen

But soon the muses realized that as his creativity
Was four times greater than any before so
He was aging four times faster as well
Shocked, dismayed they fretted out a plan

Was the genius doomed to a young death the wondered

Who is this man
This young one
Who sings with such skill
Our hearts are moved, breathless
will this creation be his last?

A painting by another hand lacked intensity, meaning and life
A song by any other man was without the voice of angels
Even film obeyed his every command angles and lighting dancing
Words arranged on the page before his pen touched down

The story of success in every artistic endeavor
He couldn't paint the world fast enough
For his muses knew that they alone brought
his death faster than normal

Together they drew away from their love
One east, one west, one south and north
Parting to extend the life of the man
They treasured, swearing never to inspire another

Stagnant, he withdrew with memories and empty canvas

and they whispered

Who is that old man
Broken by failure
Silent in the corner
Now breathless from striving
to create the impossible

Why Does This New Day...

2008-04-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

Why does this new day
Feel so old?

Like a puppet
Who's in control?

Each day my sunset
Fades away

Softly promising
It's return

But sometimes you're gone
When I need you the most
And sometimes I know

why

But sometimes you're gone
When I need you the most
And I can't stop bleeding

dry

When I can't do
What needs to be done
Abba rescue me
from myself

So check it out folks.

2008-04-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

the latest office episode

a sweet Ready Made issue online for free! (a very cool magazine)

for all the CSI fans out there a sweet game based on historical facts from London's Covent Garden in the 1750s, you solve the crime in Bow Street Runner

a mega creative recycling site from the UK, if you've got it, they've got an idea of how to recycle or reuse it somehow!

more to come.. I have a bunch of posts I haven't posted because I've been editing and adding to them... I've decided to just publish them already..

Oye como va

2008-04-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

Listen to how it goes

I had a nightmare last night.

A blood curdling, sweaty shakes, sob-induced nightmare.

It was terrifying.

I fell asleep again clutching not only my childhood stuffed animal, a mangy droopy-eyed puppy I received the week I was born, but also Phil's favorite stuffed animal a gift from his sister, Cookie Monster.

Phil held me and shared words of truth that came to mind from the Bible.

Eventually I slept and now remember almost nothing. Praise God.

I wouldn't write it down if I remembered. I would go to great lengths not to ever experience that feeling again.

I almost never remember my dreams. If I do they are almost never nightmares. The last nightmare I can recall was one of Phil stabbing me when we were first married. I understood why I had it. Now it is almost laughable, as long as I don't concentrate on the memory too long. It was scary when I had it, but I almost understood the absurdity of it while it was happening because I was watching both him and me. In this nightmare I was looking out of my eyes. And, I couldn't trust anything I saw, or felt. The only meaning was fear. Helplessness. I couldn't even trust myself.

Fear of God, the psalmist writes, is the beginning of wisdom.

I want to know the fear of God. Holy fear.

Teach me dear Lord, I pray.

As I am merely a member of the body, the blood of the Spirit connects me to everyone else. Lord, I pray you would use this small part to help protect your whole body.

Let your word flow through us as your blood. May we be one with the truth, that we could wield that sword as merely an extended member. Perhaps our marshal art could be love. Could we be the defenders of the helpless? Practicers of true religion? The letter to James makes it plain.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
4-20-04 A letter in a journal from Ashley

More later.

P.S. The Office is back! (and still hilarious)

Recordation!

2008-04-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

This is a draft I forgot to publish from 2 years ago, I have no idea how this songs goes now, I wonder if I can find the recording:

Well, it's recorded. The first piano song I've ever written. I just realized that. After I typed it actually. As soon as the lyrics are on it and Phil gets his thing recorded then I'll put up a draft of it. It's nothing special to anyone but me but I'm not really creating music to ever play for people. I'm just playing to create, come what may. Hmm...

come what may
in a plastic jungle
under a maze of towers
amidst falling tears

come what may
with skylines crashing
hungry disease crowding
and sputtering life

here are my hands
hungry selfish needs
a broken pot with scattered pieces
just what you wanted

finding favor
won't satisfy
it's not sufficient,
not enough,
give me more of you

don't heal me or even fill me
just take this and give me
something new
brand new
shiny and different, completely different from me
and my fears, my hate and rage and attitude revenged

A Letter

2008-04-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Timothy my friend,

I've got some questions for you
I need to know how did it go in the end?

Cause I hear stories of Corinthia
And it sounds like Paul's advice
was harder to obey than advise

Could I be a true child of the faith
Save me from vain discussions
mumblings and banter and insincerity
The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

To the King of ages,
immortal, invisible,
the only God, the only one
be honor and glory forever and ever amen