Oye como va

Listen to how it goes


I had a nightmare last night.

A blood curdling, sweaty shakes, sob-induced nightmare.

It was terrifying.

I fell asleep again clutching not only my childhood stuffed animal, a mangy droopy-eyed puppy I received the week I was born, but also Phil's favorite stuffed animal a gift from his sister, Cookie Monster.

Phil held me and shared words of truth that came to mind from the Bible.

Eventually I slept and now remember almost nothing. Praise God.

I wouldn't write it down if I remembered. I would go to great lengths not to ever experience that feeling again.

I almost never remember my dreams. If I do they are almost never nightmares. The last nightmare I can recall was one of Phil stabbing me when we were first married. I understood why I had it. Now it is almost laughable, as long as I don't concentrate on the memory too long. It was scary when I had it, but I almost understood the absurdity of it while it was happening because I was watching both him and me. In this nightmare I was looking out of my eyes. And, I couldn't trust anything I saw, or felt. The only meaning was fear. Helplessness. I couldn't even trust myself.

Fear of God, the psalmist writes, is the beginning of wisdom.

I want to know the fear of God. Holy fear.

Teach me dear Lord, I pray.

As I am merely a member of the body, the blood of the Spirit connects me to everyone else. Lord, I pray you would use this small part to help protect your whole body.

Let your word flow through us as your blood. May we be one with the truth, that we could wield that sword as merely an extended member. Perhaps our marshal art could be love. Could we be the defenders of the helpless? Practicers of true religion? The letter to James makes it plain.


I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
4-20-04 A letter in a journal from Ashley

More later.


P.S. The Office is back! (and still hilarious)