Craft Mission

I just used a public restroom and I'm pretty sure I forgot to flush. Someone was waiting to use it when I walked out. I pooped. All my efforts to ever be cool in life have know been extinguished in this one moment of mortifying forgetfulness. Sigh. I guess I never fully convinced myself that it was cool to not be cool after all.

I bet Jesus never forgot to flush. I bet he never pooped in a toilet. I bet he only pooped in holes.

Give me a squatty potty any day.

You see Jesus averted all of these present day troubles not by have magic solutions or heavenly will power but by never having to deal with such nonsense. Jesus never smashed up his non-christian cd's because the word non-christian didn't exist let alone cd's or music choices. Jesus never had to choose a church or tithe or hang out with some disgusting person who never cleaned their fingernails and only talked about sex chat rooms.

I'm not saying he had it easy. I'm just saying the whole "what would Jesus do" concept is totally bogus. Jesus didn't own anything. He prayed and tried his hardest to get his at times stupid disciples to get some sense in their heads about what he was saying all along. Of course he knew what he was getting into when he called 30 year-old fisherman away from the only thing they knew how to do in life.

Ok people lets all admit it publicly. We are just waiting.

We haven't figured out how to worship with all we've got or even give everything we don't have but think we do. We don't really know how to pray or fellowship or hide the word in our hearts. We are just waiting to die and see what actually happens. None of us really ever think about how the end of the world could be before you finish reading this stupid post.

None of us feel any urgency except that in our bellies or that of our selfish desires. And all of this is magically ok because we're Christians and we don't have to have it all figured out. We can listen to death metal and cheat and steal and lie and commit adultery and lust and rage and envy the whole day through. We can sleep around and smile at church, hug our friends and ignore the creepy deranged homeless man because we don't know how to deal with him and isn't it probably his own fault he's homeless because maybe he's just out to get my precious money and has been given countless chances already to turn his life around so what difference does it make what I do because I'm creeped out right now so I'll just look away because I don't know what else to do and I don't carry change anyway.

Ok, so I'm distracted from my work.

Ok, so this person is me.

Ok, so I'm not ok with it but don't know what to do about it anymore.

So I'll just wait like, actively, so it doesn't feel like waiting. Who am I better at lie-ing to but myself?

I'll try to learn again what I already know. I'll try to change and grow and be better. I'll try to compromise because how could it really work for me to sell everything I own, how could it be possible to have no place to lay my head, is God really calling me to do that anyway? what is he calling me to do? Translate the Bible or just love the people in the coffee shop right now? Go to church or decide my Christian friends I rarely see are really my church and I should be investing in them. What's more important? Sleep? Correcting papers and doing my job as unto the Lord? Sitting down and eating with my husband? or is it reading my bible? Or praying? Or worshiping? Or typing with correct grammar and punctuation. Ok, so it's not the last one but that's the one thats bugging me the most and it's taking everything in me not to go back and edit this whole seemingly meaningless post. Who am I kidding?


God, who am I kidding?

My very ideals and desires are a mockery of my existence. Yet, its a race right so we just keep running, we can't really think about the whole because we're too busy just trying to run and keep running. Running is hard but fulfilling and healthy. We know this. But I glance around as I run, knowing I can't run forever. Soon I'll be dead and everything will be how it's supposed to be. But I don't want that yet because I want to save the world, conquer it with love, go to the ends of the earth and do some baptizing baby. Well it's all really scary though cause I think I found the ends of the earth. It's here. I think I have the answers. I think...I'm waiting because I like to wait and it's safe. I'm good at waiting and making excuses. I'm not good at worshiping. I'm good at screwing up.


Well the spigot of what Linnea is thinking has either turned off or run dry for the time being. Back to grading papers.