Witness of Truth

I quit being the president of Chi-Alpha today. I have peace about it and excitement for the future of the fellowship but at the same time I just feel like a giant failure. The worst part is that I really don't think anybody will think twice which is fine, that part doesn't matter but I can't help but wish of course that I could have changed somebodies life for the better somehow. I also feel pushed around by people which is a feeling I hate. I don't like being pushed around but I'm also a let bygones be bygones person. If you want to push then fine go somewhere else and push. I guess its just a season of hermitagious desire. Like my new word? Yes. I want to be a hermit. Or a monk. I wouldn't have to feel unloved or deal with people talking behind my back. I wouldn't have to try and decide whether I need to explain an unexplainable thing to someone who continues to believe lies in hopes they might see truth. I need so much more of God so bad right now. But I'm so dang stubborn and selfish and busy trying to make life work. It's just one of those nights. The insomnia has set in and you just want to cry it out but you know even that would be one self indulgent helping too many to add to the pile. It may strike you as crazy but there was a time in my life that I considered myself a pretty neutral person. Someone who could be friends with maybe just about anyone. But now I'm loosing them left and right. Or maybe just realizing I never really had them. All it really makes me feel like is that it's my fault. I haven't been a good enough Christian or loved enough even though part of me says good riddance. I don't know. All I've really discovered is that taking care of people is hard work and I'm not very good at it. Like most things in life I guess. Hah. Well, my prayer continues to be that I could be a witness of truth.